12 Years A Maclunkey: A Star Wars Story

Wow, Andor is so good, right? Finally, some dark and gritty Star Wars action for the adult fans of the franchise. I think I’m speaking for all of us when I say that we Star Wars fans want more projects like Andor.

You know what all Star Wars fans ALSO want more of? More side-character characters from the prequels and original trilogy being brought back in larger roles, fewer Jedi, and MORE DESERT PLANETS!

So, I’ve written a short scriptment for a limited series — completely within the bounds of existing canon btw; the rights to which I will happily surrender to Kathleen Kennedy’s successor for a modest fee of 45 million unmarked galactic credits.

This screenplay, hereinafter “THE WORK”, is protected by every single copyright statute known to man, and several that haven’t been invented yet, as well as several tenets of the Jedi code and one 40-year-old pinky promise. No portion of THE WORK may be reproduced, copied, photocopied, faxed, photographed, discussed, remembered, telepathically shared, tattooed onto Steve-o’s back, projected onto the side of a building, or otherwise disseminated in any form or by any means — electronic, supernatural, or extraterrestrial — without the prior consent of the copyright holder(s), their descendants, and a Ouija board with a direct line to the ghost of Sir Alec Guinness. Unauthorized use or reproduction of THE WORK shall result in a permanent itch in the middle of your back that is just out of reach. Should any clause of this statement be deemed unenforceable in a court located on Coruscant, all remaining clauses shall remain in full force and effect. No waiver of any term herein shall constitute a waiver of the right to complain about it later. By continuing past this paragraph you certify that you are either (a) an authorized producer, financier, or mysterious benefactor capable of green-lighting a movie/television series, or (b) a registered Peliplat user.

Now that that’s out of the way, I present to you the greatest story every told:

12 Years a Maclunkey

by Matthew Alan Schmidt

Based on the characters created By George Lucas

Our story takes place shortly after the events of The Phantom Menace.

We’re on Tatooine. A small farming village sits nestled at the base of a large mesa, glowing red in the sunset. For a moment, everything is silent — peaceful. But when the sun finally sinks beyond the dunes, the Sand People make their attack.

The bodies of the farmers are not discovered for a week — gutted, and rotting in the sun. Not until a clan of Jawas catches sight of the razed village from their sandcrawler and approach to loot it. There is one survivor: a small girl — no older than 12.

Meet Jeela Jinzle. She managed to evade by hiding beneath her dying mother during the attack, and survived on her own for an entire week surrounded by the corpses of her family and friends. The Jawas kidnap her, and sell her to the highest bidder at the nearby slave market.

She is purchased — cheaply — by Watto, who was in need of another hand around the show since those stinkin’ Jedi took away that promising young child slave of his a few weeks back. Shmi Skywalker takes Jeela in as her own, filling the void left in the absence of her son, Anakin.

Jeela was a bad slave. Always getting into trouble. Always making a nuisance. Couldn’t pod race for shit. Watto wanted to get rid of her, but she had built a reputation for herself. No-one would buy.

Until one day 10 years later, an emissary is sent by Jabba the Hutt — who had recently acquired a monastery of the B'omarr Order located in the Northern Dune Sea — and was turning it into his personal palace, casino, and resort. The emissary is none other than Bib Fortuna, and he’s in the market for some slaves.

Watto seizes the opportunity and auctions off Jeela for even less than he paid — just to get rid of her. Shmi tries to stop them, but it’s no use. Another child has been taken from her. Jeela vows to Shmi that she will return.

Jeela and the other recently-purchased slaves are loaded into Jabba’s starship. Unbeknownst to Bib Fortuna and the others, a small monkey-lizard slips into the cargo bay. This little Kowakian stowaway is none-other than Salacious B. Crumb.

Upon arriving at Jabbas palace, Jeela is immediately thrown into the dungeon with the others. Outside, master armorers are outfitting the palace with defenses — turning the former monastery into a fortress. Inside, they are decorating for what looks to be a… birthday party?

Bib Fortuna discovers Salacious Crumb, and brings him to Jabba for punishment. Amidst sentencing, Bib Fortuna slips on a banana peel, causing Salacious B Crumb to release his infectious cackle. Jabba, so amused by this creature’s funny laugh, invites him to work as his Court Jester. Bib Fortuna does not take this disrespect lightly.

In the cells, Jeela meets her brothers and sisters in chains. 

Cheem Bo-Binsky. A super sexy and cool gruff dude with a gambling addiction and a heart of gold who failed to make payments on his obscenely high debt to Jabba one too many times. He was given the choice to be thrown to the Sarlacc pit, or live out the rest of his life in servitude as Jabba’s Sabacc dealer.

Yuun’vida. A young Twi’lek woman, known for her beauty — born into slavery. Jabba has acquired her to service his patrons as a concubine for hire. A life in servitude is all she’s ever known, but it’s not a life she accepts for herself.

Doug Smith. A nice middle-aged guy who works in IT, who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. While on vacation with his family, he was mistaken for a runaway slave and was kidnapped. On this vacation, he was planning to propose to his pregnant wife. He’s willing to do whatever it takes to see her again.

Shortly after the decorations are finished being set, the party guests begin to arrive. Bib Fortuna presents Jabba his birthday gift: The Rancor. Jabba is delighted. He orders one of the armorers to be thrown into the pit. When the other armorers object, Jabba orders the rest of them to be thrown into the cells. They are beaten to a pulp and dragged below ground as they have no choice but to listen to Salacious B. Crumb’s maniacal laugh echo through the corridors atop the sound of their comrade’s crunching bones and splattering innards.

It’s at this point Jeela truly realizes what kind of situation they’re in. She begins concocting an escape plan. Cheem, Yuun’vida, and Doug all agree to help.

In walks a young Greedo. Yup, THAT Greedo. The one from the thumbnail. He’s cocky, inexperienced, and looking to make a name for himself in the criminal underworld. He’s single, and ready to mingle.

The lights go down, and the cake comes out. Max Rebo leads the Cantina Band in a Jizz-music rendition of Happy Birthday as Bib Fortuna walks the jogan-fruit cheesecake across the court, where Jabba awaits to blow out the 569 candles — one for each year. But wouldn’t ya know it? ANOTHER banana peel was left out in the open! Bib Fortuna slips AGAIN, sending the cake flying up into the air, and landing on his head. Once more, this sends Salacious B. Crumb into a laughing fit, and Jabba is again so amused by the creature’s laughter that he doesn’t even care about the fallen cake. Bib Fortuna seethes. The rest of the party goes off without a hitch.

For several moons, business is usual at the Palace. The escapists embed themselves into the network of the Palace, recruiting others to their cause while learning the ins and outs of the Palace and its systems.

Jeela’s problem with authority earns her a close eye from Bib Fortuna. If he wasn’t preoccupied with his own plan to overthrow Jabba, he may have eyed her close enough to discover hers.

Greedo frequents the Palace often. He tries his best to get work from the visiting warlords, but nobody is willing to give an inexperienced Rodian like himself the time of day. Dejected, he turns to hiring a concubine for comfort — who just so happens to be Yuun’vida.

Yuun’vida and the others had been paying attention to Greedo for a while. They needed someone on the outside, and Jeela saw the perfect opportunity to do just that.

Yuun’vida not only seduces Greedo, but manages to deceive him into falling in love with her. However, at the same time, Yuun’vida was actually falling in love with Cheem Bo-Binsky.

The gang continues to prepare their escape, all while Bib Fortuna secretly plots his own scheme to seize control of Jabba’s empire.

Eventually, the time comes to hatch their escape. It’s a shameless mashup of plot points from various other movies like The Great Escape, Shawshank Redemption, and Ocean’s Eleven — a thinly-veiled exercise in lazy writing masquerading as tasteful homage. But it’s still cool as fuck.

At the same time, Bib Fortuna executes his own plan.

Both plans run into seemingly insurmountable obstacles that are eventually surmounted against all odds. That is, until Jeela and Bib run into each other.

It’s a Tatooinian Standoff. They’ve both been caught. They both know that acknowledging each other will bring a sudden end to their respective ploys.

So they just kinda… stand there for a bit.

It’s a little awkward. Bib coughs. Jeela scratches her head. They each take a step to pass each other, but they step in the same direction. They do this several times. She says “you go.” He says, “no you first.” They take another step in the same direction. Bib sighs. He steps to the side. Jeela passes in silence. They continue about their business.

With the help of Greedo, Yuun’vida and Cheem are able to acquire deliver the cell keys to Doug, who begins removing the shackles of their fellow slaves and the imprisoned armorers.

Greedo might not be the most critical thinker, but he’s certainly observant, and he’s got one helluva temper. When he notices his dynamic with Yuun’vida shift in the presence of Cheem, he immediately becomes suspicious.

Jabba is asleep in his throne, with Salacious Crumb curled up next to him as the big spoon. Jabba’s snores echo throughout the court. The reverberation is enough to cover the sound of Bib Fortuna as he sneaks towards Jabba with a really big mason jar full of table salt.

Jeela acquires the gate codes and meets up with the rest of her team. It’s time for the final push. Doug and Greedo take point and sneak across the dark, empty palace floor to unlock the door holding them captive.

They reach the door. Doug cracks his knuckles and gets to work on patching the code. He was born for this. Greedo gives a signal to the others to start moving towards them and turns back to watch Doug work those pretty little fingers on the holopad. Soon enough he will be able to hold his wife in his arms once more.

Jeela makes a triumphant fist pump and begins leading the slaves towards the exit.

Yuun’vida and Cheem embrace — gettin’ real sloppy with it. It’s not every day you escape slavery, after all.

It’s at this point, A THIRD BANANA PEEL finds its way beneath the boot of Bib Fortuna. His feet comically fly out from under him as a cartoonish FWOOP! precedes the cold slap of Twi-lek flesh on stone palace floor, and the ear splitting crash of the mason jar full of salt shattering at the bottom of the Rancor pit.

In an instant, the entire atmosphere shifts.

The awakened Salacious B Crumb sees Bib Fortuna on the floor again and laughs.

Bib Fortuna scurries off into the darkness before Jabba wakes to live and plot another day.

Greedo turns to face the commotion and sees Cheem playing tonsil tennis with the love of his life.

The Rancor stirs.

Without hesitation, Greedo turns to Doug, who had nearly finished opening the door and shoots him point blank in the back of the head with his blaster. HE WASN’T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE, MAN!!!!!!!

The half-opened door slams shut.

The Rancor roars. Jabba wakes.

Greedo turns the gun on Jeela and the others. He asks “why?” They tell him.

But an explanation isn’t enough to mend a broken heart.

Overcome with rage and sorrow, Greedo points his blaster at Yuun’vida.

He exclaims “Maclunkey!” as he pulls the trigger. Cheem dives in front of the beam, saving Yuun’vida at the cost of his own life.

Jeela jumps at Greedo and the two of them duke it out in a really sick single-take hand-to-hand combat sequence — choreographed by the guys that made John Wick — which needs to be seen to be believed, so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

Jeela almost gets the best of Greedo, but their fight is interrupted by the arrival of Jabba’s Gamorrean guards. Jeela and the slaves are restrained. Their escape has been foiled.

Jabba slithers forward and requests an introduction and explanation from the young Rodian who just thwarted the escape of his unpaid workforce.

Greedo makes his introduction, spinning a tale absolving himself of complicity in the escape. Jabba rewards Greedo for his efforts with an offer of employment as a bounty hunter, which Greedo graciously accepts. It’s all he’s ever wanted.

Yuun’vida breaks free from the guards restraining her and takes a final run at the man who just killed her true love. Greedo sidesteps her and sends her tumbling into the Rancor pit, where the beast waits below — mouth agape — to swallow her whole.

Jeela watches in terror as all of her friends, and all of her efforts, are reduced to nothing in an instant.

But Jeela will not go gently into this good night.

She too breaks free from her captors and makes a beeline for Jabba. But instead of dealing a killing blow, she instead leapfrogs him and scrambles through the window behind him that had been conveniently left open.

Inspired, the rest of the slaves resist their captors as well and stage a full-scale riot.

With Jabba and his guards preoccupied by the chaos inside, Jeela is able to escape cleanly. The same cannot be said for the others.After several weeks of travel, Jeela returns to Watto’s shop in disguise and is heartbroken to learn of Shmi’s passing — kidnapped by the same band of Sand People that destroyed her village.

Too afraid to be alone with her own thoughts, she attends the U16 regional amateur pod-racing quarterfinals to take her mind off things.

At the stadium, she lets her guard down. Having a good time, and getting a little hot, she removes her hood.

Across the bleachers, a green figure with bulging orbicular eyes watches her with a sly smile, tapping the butt of his blaster inside his bantha-skin vest. Under his breath, he whispers:

“Maclunkey.”

This time, Greedo shoots first.

THE END

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