LAUNCH CODES

LAUNCH CODES

*writers note, if this were to be adapted, it would be shot by looking at the backs of the monitors, we would not have to show a single thing on the monitors themselves, just their glow*

Located directly across from the Potomac River in Washington, D.C, is the beautiful Arlignton, Virginia. While Arlington is one of the smallest self governed counties in the States, it is home of the highest educated populace in North America. Yes, Arlington boasts some of the smartest folks to inhabit the great US of A. Then, there’s these two.

What you may not know is that Arlington is also home to the greatest defensive mind in the modern world; the Pentagon. In the deep dark of this fortress, in a room not quite forgotten, just ignored, we meet the unassuming heroes of this story. The year is 2026, the month, June, and the day, the 26th. A Thursday. Scratch that, it was a Wednesday I think? The day matters little once you hear the events that took place on that fateful Friday afternoon.

Meet Agent Orange, youthful, ignorant, but full of heart. His best friend and co agent, Dead Kennedy, slightly older, aloof but fun loving, grew up on tech. The dynamic duo sit perched in a dimly lit computer lounge, laid back, munching snacks. Not a care in the world.  Agent Orange takes a bite out of a sandwich, spilling its contents on his white shirt.

“God dammit!” Barks Orange.

“You know you really should be careful when you eat. Dirty clothes kinda suck.” Says Kennedy, still focused on his screen.

“No man, not the shirt. Someone sacked my treasury in Clash of Castles. I’ve lost everything!” Says the newly impoverished Agent Orange.

“You know you really should be careful while protecting your virtual kingdoms. Getting raided kinda sucks.” Kennedy remixes his thoughts.

“Hey, if I were a thinking man I’d almost say… No, that’s impossible.” Agent orange sits up in his seat. He’s not sure if that’s fear or curiosity swelling in his skinny hairless chest.

“Uh, Agent Dead Kennedy, we may have a problem here.” Sparks the young agent.

“Keith, I’ve already told you-”

“Agent Orange.” He quips.

“Right, Agent Orange. I’ve already told you, if you want to defend your treasury you need to invest in some-” Kennedy is cut off once again.

“No man, I'm not talking about my stronghold anymore! Look!” A fired up Agent Orange gestures toward his screen.

Dead Kennedy exhales as he lazily clicks off his screen. Agent Orange ponders whether his mentor will ease his racing mind or whether he's right and the worst is yet to come. Dead Kennedy inches towards the monitor, the truth moments away. He scans the screen, taking it all in. Agent Orange’s heart sinks as he sees Kennedy’s hazel eyes ignite.

“Lord Thunderin’....” Kennedy sighs.

Agent Dead Kennedy reads the message on the screen out loud to shake what doubt he has in his mind. “To the naive Agent Orange and your dimwitted mentor Dead Kennedy, we have left your virtual fiefdom in shambles, leaving your denizens in a state of virtual disarray.”

“What does that mean?” Orange asks.

“It means they torched your shit.” Kennedy explains, irritated by his comrades' interruption.

Dead Kennedy continues,” However, this is merely the first step in a multifaceted, well fabricated, perfectly executed plan. Our confraternity, if you will, have schemed and plotted our way into your main frame. It would appear as if the ciphers to launch your country's intercontinental ballistic missiles now belong to us.”

“Inturmural basketball what?” Silly little Orange.

“Nukes. They have our fucking nukes.” Sneers Kennedy, wanting to go on.

Dead Kennedy shoots a sideways look towards his protege, raising an eyebrow as if to continue. Orange nods furiously, eager to hear more.

“To provide a proper demonstration of our contempt of wrath, we shall unleash one singular armament on the eastern seaboard. I would advise you to check the news.”

Agent Orange pulls out his phone. The tiny glowing screen illuminates his face accurately revealing the shock and horror he can not bring  himself to hide. “My god… Boston… It’s gone.”

Their cries echo through the computer lab like a soldier calling out on a battlefield, or a super rich person losing something they never use.

“Those Bastards! Mark Whalburgh is from there!” A choked up Agent Kennedy exclaims with a clenched fist.  Orange could tell that his friend, his mentor, took this personally. He really liked Ted 2. Agent Orange comforts his troubled associate by placing one arm around his shoulder and with the other, handing him a fresh sandwich. Agent Orange musters up the strength to speak.

“Here. Peanut butter and squash, your favourite. I know how much you loved Ted 2.”

Kennedy regains his composure with the gusto of a man who will never again experience Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.  Now they’ve done it. They’ve awakened the beast within the man. This. Means. War. Dead Kennedy, now flooded with rage, takes back to the keyboard. “If you wanna play games, I’ll play games.” He cracks his knuckles and bares down. An inquisitive Agent Orange leans over his buddy’s shoulder trying to decipher Dead Kennedy’s key strokes. “Look, you’re clearly well spoken and intelligent, but you must’ve been born yesterday if you think you can step to the greatest hackers in the entire united states. Heh, by the end of my first week at MIT, the professor was asking ME to teach. I know computers better than a mouse knows a cheese wheel. Do not, I repeat, do NOT engage in keyboard warfare with the pro. I’ll send you off crying. Send”

“You really told him. Who’s dumb enough to threaten you anyway?” Orange says with  furled brow.

“Hey, good point, let’s find out.”

“Who on GOD”S green earth is dumb enough to mess with the mastermind anyway?” A fired up Kennedy writes.

Beep beep boo boop the computer thinks. Up comes a message; “ What a lovely dolt you are Agent Kennedy. Anyone with brains could’ve figured it out. Tis i, The United states oldest enemy, your raison detre, the crown throne, Great Britain.” Kennedy reads. “Good God, it’s the British. They’re back.” Gasps a bewildered Agent Orange to which Kennedy respods;”And angrier than ever. Look There’s more.” A Prompt appears. “ We shall now launch our first assault, a fleet of his Majesties best ships all containing you guessed it, tea bags. Where once we failed we shall now become victorious. Once these tea bags reach your shore, so will an arsenal of hellfire.” Kennedy reads aloud.

“Oh man, Agent Kennedy, this looks bad. What are we gonna do?” Gawks Agent Orange. “I don’t know Agent Orange but I’ll be damned if I let a bunch of bangers and mash eating fuck heads send us to the bottom of the ocean.”Kennedy has a realization. “Hey, that’s it!” Exclaims the agent. “What’s what now?” Questions the other. “The key is sinking those ships! All we have to do is load up our canons and fire on the tide! Once those ships are at the bottom of the ocean, they’ll go down like fish out of water.” Kennedy exclaims. “Nice plan AND pun! You’re a genius.” Orange sighs in relief.

“Just one more and… BOOM! Lets see how you handle 24 tons of real American canon balls in your face.” Says the vengeful Kennedy. “ Gross but effective.” Nods Orange. Before the agents can unwind completely Kennedy sparks up. “Wait… Dammit! They brought anti canon defense systems.” He says. “Comically large baseball bats. State of the art.” Orange shakes his head.

“Fuck! We need to find something that sticks” Kennedy rubs his forehead pensively. “What else can we do?” Asks Orange. “ Sticks! We need to deploy our fishing nets so they’ll get stuck and we can finish them.” A proud Agent Kennedy says. “Brilliant! I can’t see how that could fail.” Orange smiles.  So Kennedy taps at his keyboard, tap tap tap until finally it would appear as though he finds luck. “That’s it Orange, these fishing nets are made with real american rope, straight from China. I cannot possibly understand how this could be anything but fool proof.” He kicks his feet up on the desk and continues; “Let’s see those beetles loving fucks get the best of me twice in a row.”

The boys get comfy and watch in triumph until shortly later something happens which gets them in quite the stir, I’ll tell you what. You would be right to assume their plan did not go swimmingly. So poor in fact, it prompted Kennedy to say this;” Wow that did not work whatsoever.” He mustered. “Not only does scissors beat rock but apparently it also beats American made Chinese fishing nets. Who would’ve thunk it.” A sad Orange expels. Kennedy think momentarily until the idea comes to him. “We’re not using their disadvantage to our advantage.” He says. “What do you mean?” Asks Agent Orange. Kennedy rolls his eyes. “Think. They’re BRITISH. What does that mean?” He asks his comrade leadingly. “Uh, they have poor dental hygiene?” Orange responds with a glimmer of hope mixed with a bit of confusion. “No, well yes, but aside from that.” Kennedy responds. Agent Orange is completely lost, he shrugs. “It means they’re afraid of spice.” Kennedy assures his lost friend. “Of course! Every one knows the british are afraid of spices!” Orange snaps his fingers with this brilliant realization. “ Exactly. I mean have you seen their food? British food is so bland you’d think they were still being bombed by the Germans.” Kennedy says smugly then continues. “ All we have to do is launch our strongholds spice supply overhead and let gravity do the rest. It’ll be raining masala tonight, baby.” The two once again high five. In their desperate minds, this is the sure fire play! I mean, come on, every one knows the British hate spice!

So, back to the keyboard. Kennedy furiously clicks and clacks, beeps and boops, all the while Agent Orange watches in the backlines, gently rubbing his comrades shoulders in support. “Yes, yes, I’ve done it! The ultimate anti brit acid rain!” He smiles and turns to Agent Orange, gesturing at the mouse before him. He continues” My young friend, the honourable Agent Orange, would you care to do the honours. Agent Orange can’t believe it, he’s taken aback. He briefly hesitates then goes for the mouse. “This is it,” he says, “ time to sent these Austin Posers back to hell.” He clicks the button. A couple noises emit from the computer, some lights flash, things happen, you get the drill. “ It worked,” exclaims Kennedy, their ships are retreating!” The pair hug it out.

“That’s wonderful, I was starting to think that we’d never…” Kennedy is interrupted as he looks back to the screen. “What the hell?!” Exclaims Orange. Kennedy lightly pushes his ally to the side and goes back to the screen. “ No way…” He says. “They’ve regrouped… and this time tey brought umbrellas…” Orange musters. Kennedy drops to his knees, bawling in his hands. “ That’s it, we’re done. We don’t have what it takes to stop the British from destroying America.” He sighs in defeat. “ It’s not over yer, Agent Dead Kennedy, perhaps we can-” He’s cut off by a sobbing Kennedy” Perhaps we can what? We fail mess up again? Let’s face it pal, we’re awful agents… the boss stuck us down here cause w’re always screwing up and he was right. We’ve screwed up for the last time. The world as we know it is coming to an end. We’re fucked.” Kennedy is ultimately defeated. Orange looks around the room, then to his inconsolable friend. He crouches down to his level and puts an arm around his shoulder. “ Well, if we’re going down in history, I can at least say I’m honoured to be going down with you, my best friend.” This makes Kennedy pause. He evaluates the situation. He rises to his feet and plants his arm around Ogranges shoulder and wipes tears from his face. “ You know, you’re right. If I’m going to die in nuclear hellfire, at least it’ll be with you, my best friend.” The two smile, watch the screen and count down from ten.

Just as they reach 1, something happens. No, not a nuclear explosion, in fact, nothing sinister at all happens. The lights flicker and illuminate the room. The pair wince at the light and recoil. Now we see a man in a suit and tie, Mr. Biggs. Mr. Biggs eyes the pair down, raises an eyebrow and takes a sip from his mug. “Uh, hey, Mr. Biggs.” Says a nervous Kennedy. “ Shouldn’t you boys be I dunno, working?” Asks mr. Biggs. The two slightly dissipate, trying to gather their thoughts. “It’s just, uh, we-” attempts Agent Orange,, but before he can finish, mr. Biggs walks over to the other side of the room and picks up a mop, and a broom. He slowly strides over to the pair of idiots and shoves the cleaning tools into their chest. “Lunch was over an hour ago” and he exits the room. Orange and Kennedy share an expression of someone whos just being caught. Now that they are fully standing and in the light, we see they are wearing janitorial garb around their waist. They fasten up they garb and pick up their cleaning tools. “Guess it’s back to work?” Asks Kennedy, attempting to be non challant. “Yeah, guess so” Says an embarrassed Orange, trying to act the same.

So there you have it, this was not a tale of how the world we know almost ended, but a yarn of friendship, two friends with imaginations that could power the world. What have we learned from these two pals? Not much, honestly, but next time you get caught goofing off at work just remember, it’s not the end of the world.

END