Onscreen Crushes (Age 5-28)

Peliplat’s “I can fix him” challenge has me reflecting on the many onscreen crushes I’ve had over the course of my short lifetime. Did any of them fix me? Can I get through this piece without coming across like a creep perv? Read on to find out.

Age 5 - Numbah Three from Codename: Kids Next Door

I don’t fucking know man.

Age 6 - Piper Perabo in The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

In the live action version of one of my favourite cartoons, Piper Perabo plays a kind-hearted secret agent named “Karen Sympathy.” As her name suggests, she is nice to Rocky and Bullwinkle. Being someone who has long identified with Bullwinkle, I appreciated this.

Age 7 - Carla Gugino in Spy Kids

I don’t know if this is possible at age six, but regardless, I’m certain: Gugino was the first woman I knew was hot.

Age 8 - Barbara Mamabolo in Zixx

While putting together my quiz on obscure Canadian shows, I was reminded of this weird hybrid CG/live-action series. Mamabolo plays an alien secret agent who shows up and pulls a group of kids into a video game or something. I remember little about the show other than my crush on her. She was an alien of some kind and there was a scene where she drank orange juice with her fingers. That part wasn’t part of the crush I don’t think. Probably revealing too much about myself with this one. Why are they all spies?

Age 9 - Selma Blair in Hellboy

The fact that 2000’s media was full of leather jacket wearing goths affected me in ways I’ve never considered until now. I think this character Liz was also a spy of some kind.

In light of recent events, this has been revised into a crush on Liz specifically and not Selma Blair. I’m sure Liz has reasonable views on the Middle-East, and Selma probably doesn’t even have fire powers.

Age 12 - Hailee Steinfeld in True Grit

I wrote about this once on my old blog, but my one and only viewing of the Coen Brother’s True Grit was significant to me. It was one of the first times I accompanied my father and uncle to a movie that was aimed squarely at adults, and I felt accepted into their secret boys club. So it was appropriate that the story found twelve year old Steinfeld out of her depth in a world of grown-ups. We were the same age, and because of that our connection was undeniable.

Age 13 - Kara Hayward in Moonrise Kingdom

I had a similar reaction to the tweenaged romance in Moonrise Kingdom, which for the first time seemed like something within reach. I also liked the vaguely sad aura of Hayward’s performance, and my crush was reignited a few years later when she showed up in Manchester by the Sea.

Age 14 - Linda Cardellini in Freaks and Geeks

A wonderful performance from a beautiful woman to be sure, but I think this one (a stock standard crush for any vaguely arty white boy), had a lot to do with the emotional tenderness of the show.

Still, Cardellini had a big impact on my romantic life. My high school girlfriend and I met at a Halloween party where she was dressed as Lindsey. Years later, I fell head over heels for a girl who worked next door to me. One day we were discussing our celebrity lookalikes and she said:

“Well, mine’s obvious.”

I said: “What is it?”

She said: “People always say Lindsey Weir, from Freaks and Geeks.”

And in my mind I thought: “Ah, yes.”

Age 15 - Hayley Atwell in the Marvel Franchise

How deep was my teenaged devotion to Atwell? For one, I watched two seasons of her decidedly mid network show.

Secondly, I paid for her autograph at a comic convention. We exchanged a brief hello in a long line of other fanboys. When I left, I felt like a disgusting little goblin and pledged to never do that again.

Age 16 - Sarah Polley in Dawn of the Dead

I think a lot of people don’t know that Polley was briefly a Hollywood star. At one point she was big enough that she could headline a horror blockbuster like this. Pretty funny in retrospect. It’s like if you went to rewatch 28 Days Later and realized the lead was Noah Baumbach.

Age 17 - Mystery Blonde Woman in All About Eve

When I was a teen, I watched the golden age Hollywood drama All About Eve. Near the beginning, I noticed a particularly attractive actress with a few lines. She showed up again later in the movie and I realized it was Marylin Monroe. What refined and original taste I have.

Age 18 - Parker Posey in Blade Trinity

My first introduction to Posey was her role in Dazed and Confused, which gave me confusing feelings of both attraction and fear.

However, (and I’m not the first to point this out), she looks fantastic as a vampiric henchwoman in the second Blade sequel. Doubly funny because this might be her worst movie lol.

A few other things that endeared me to Posey:

1. She’s one of the funniest people to ever step in front of a camera.
2. I used to get her mixed up with Piper Perabo. It’s their names!

Age 21 - Maggie Cheung in The Heroic Trio

Maggie Cheung is a pretty entry level crush for Criterion bros but if you’ve seen any of her movies I imagine you get it. Most would probably go for the sophisticated longing of In the Mood for Love, but I prefer the movie where she throws dynamite into a barrel and then rides the flying barrel into a building.

Another leather jacket!

Age 23 - Gemma Chan in Let Them All Talk

This one’s pretty contextual. Lucas Hedges’ character (the dumbass nephew of a famous author who accompanies her on a luxury cruise) acts so much like me in this movie that I instantly saw myself in the scenario. When he falls for Chan’s literary assistant I couldn’t help but follow suit. Also, it’s Gemma Chan lol.

Anyway, the tight close-up on Hedges reaction when Chan starts talking about her boyfriend is one of my favourite shots in Steven Soderbergh’s oeuvre.

Age (?-??) - Jennifer Lopez in Out of Sight

Real-life accounts from people who’ve worked with J.Lo paint her in a range from “not particularly nice” to “completely insane.” Yet this has done little to discourage my lifelong obsession. You could say this is a crush on her character Karen Sisco - and yeah, that’s part of it - but let’s be real. If I’m being honest, controversial and brave, I must state for the record that J.Lo has been the hottest woman on earth for my entire lifetime.

I know part of the furor around her in the 90's was that she represented a tiny slice of body diversity in a sea of twig-thin white women. That being said, I’m well aware that her proportions are insane, unattainable, and sustained by wealth. I just wanted to point out how progressive I was for finding her attractive. Hope she sees this.

If you reach any conclusions about my psychology for this list, feel free to NOT share them in the comments below.